My BPSO gets very very anxious and insecure and jealous when I talk to other people. Especially if I try to go see other people. Its a battle of mostly jist trying to have people come see me instead because she has these breakdowns if I leave. I tried to go see an old friend from when i moved states. Took probably 4 hours of negotiating how shed be ok. Her accusing me of not caring about her feelings. Why doesnt my friend come see me. I finally left. She was bawling but I decided I should just go and that shed be okay. The whole drive is co stant texts and phone calls. I get to my friends and shes still crying. Probably 2 hours after i left still crying. I was there for probably 3 hours when I gave up and felt bad and just went home. I feel like im constantly babysitting her disorder. Walking on egg shells trying to keep some kind of balance. Most nights I have to walk her out the door to make sure she goes to work. So far ahe hasnt been able to get medication because of how long its taken to set up a freaking appointment. I love this girl. And when she isnt bad shes very sweet. I find myself like wanting to be done with this relationship. Dreading answering the 11 messages. But like our lives are so intertwined. I'm honestly afraid for her like idk how she would function if I wasn't there making sure she got dressed for work and drank water and stuff like that. When ive brought up these kinds of issues it doesnt go anywhere like it ends up her crying very hard about how she should jist kill herself. Her banging her head against the wall. Punching herself. Telling me that i would be happier if she had just died. "Look at how fast you got over your mothers death, youre happier now" and then the entire conversation goes nowhere because I feel sorry and I get a damp towel and make her some food and try and make her feel better. I feel like I give all of my energy to her. I have very little energy for myself. I used to play music. And write poetry. And LISTEN to music. I kindof resign myself to a few hours of video games when i can. I feel trapped though. I feel like it wouldnt be okay if I broke up with her. Like maybe she would kill herself. Or hurt herself. Ive had to take her keys away on several occasions. I feel tired. And hopeless about it. Maybe when she gets some medication and hopefully some counselling she'll balance out. I have a lot of resentment towards her for being this way sometimes because of the energy that i have to spend to keep her feelimg okay. Sometimes it actually feels like shes sucking my chi right out of me and using it for herself. I didnt mean to type this much. Sorry if you dont care. Sorry for posting a rant on someone elses thread. Idk. Any advice or input I could use.