i was 12 when i started stealing cigarettes from my mom. i quickly became a daily smoker, like almost everyone around me (older family members). it was only a couple of years before it wasn't a secret, everyone knew. my dad was the most against it, but the understanding was that i be discreet about it because of my age.

i am now 52 years old, and today i have 56 days completely smoke free. this is by far the longest i have been smoke free in 40 years. i have tried to quit many many times over the years. please believe me, smoking will alter your life in a way that you won't be able to see clearly until you are looking back over it all. the relationship i have had with smoking is the biggest lie a person could let themself fall for. addiction has that kind of power.

i could write a novel here about all the reasons. i know what it's like to be young, stressed and vulnerable with no one to talk to, no one who gets me. it's like having a void inside that nothing can fill. the problem with addiction (to anything, it doesn't matter what it is) is that the thing we use to fill that void is actually creating a physical manifestation that goes way beyond the problems we are having. it can feel like comfort and that's where it tricks us. it's like trying to heal a cut on your hand by burning the hand on the stove. it's like drinking poison to ease a heartache. it's a distraction that feels like an answer, or at least a comfort, when in truth it is something much bigger than that. it is an enemy of life, an evil one at that, disguised as a friend.

i'm sorry if this seems a bit much. i've done my best to describe my path with the addiction to smoking, from 12 to 52. please draw on any support you can find and feel safe with. the trouble with addictive substances, once you are hooked, is that one is too many and a thousand is never enough. best of luck.