Years ago, I lost interest in the church curriculum. As a recently returned missionary and lifelong member of the church, the weekly lesson content seemed monotonous. I attempted to be a proactive student by prereading the lesson and being an active participant in class, but the learning atmosphere lacked the depth I desired. I hungered for stimulating discussion and fresh information. As an avid runner, I'd compare it to running the same route at the same speed every day; I had plateaued.
In my ongoing attempt to take personal responsibility for my gospel education, I started to read the institute manuals and previous general conference talks. This church-produced content appeared to be an almost unlimited source of information and I devoted hours and hours to my personal study. As a history buff, I became captivated with church history and I dug deep to learn as much as I could. However, my exposure to primary sources started to raise some honest questions and legitimate concerns. I wanted to understand the truth better than I did.
I turned to the Lord in prayer and counseled with my priesthood leaders for answers and explanations. I was encouraged to ignore matters that weren't pertinent to my salvation and to focus on the basic fundamentals of the gospel. My bishop condemned online research and labelled it as a tool of the devil. This dismissive advice bothered me and I didn't feel like my righteous search for truth was being respected or supported. My brother recommended that I turn to apologetics for help.
As I turned to apologetics, I was presented with a mountain of allegations and explanations. I was rattled with the number of apparent inconsistencies and issues that existed. The arguments I read and evidence I examined seemed desperate, illogical, and dismissive. I wanted to be persuaded and find a reason to believe, but I had to remain objective as well. I turned to my father with my doubts, but he reminded me that I didn't have all the information so I couldn't draw any conclusion. This seemed like good advice, but in my heart I knew that just because I didn't totally know something didn't mean that I didn't know something at all.
As of now, study, prayer, and contemplation have led me to believe that the church isn't what it claims to be. I remained open-minded and willing to be persuaded otherwise, but the evidence of what I know casts a shadow over what I want to believe. I cannot in good conscience ignore information just because it suggests that what I believe may be wrong. I've embraced the virtue of skepticism and found freedom in the pursuit of truth, regardless of the consequences.