When I was sixteen or seventeen or so I had a guy friend that I ran with over to my house during cross country practice. I'd never done that before. Even though the other kids did. I was afraid of getting into trouble. I was a good kid. I never even did so much as swear at anyone. I minded my own business and left people alone. I stopped inviting kids over to my house at a young age because I didn't want them around my stepdad. I brought this up to my brother once when he and me and our mom were having breakfast at Bob Evans. I said "I really clearly remember not wanting to bring my friends around [stepdad's name]". And my brother acknowledged this by saying "He used to be pretty intense". I never felt like I could have friends. My brother was more willing to compromise his interests. He did sports and things. He did what he was told and what he thought would make our stepdad the happiest. But he's messed up too. He says that he can't feel anything for other people just like me. We both had bad things happen to us at an early age too. But I don't know if he remembers or will ever understand. The only reason I know is because I've read a ton about these things. I was miserable and lonely my whole childhood, pretty much my whole life. It wasn't my stepdad's fault. Because I don't think he realized how the way he treated me affected me. I don't blame him. I might get emotional sometimes but I don't blame him anymore. I just wish he knew how I felt and that I wasn't happy and that if he had treated me differently I could have been happy. Anyway. My friend and I were just playing Guitar Hero. Nothing bad. My stepdad came home earlier than expected so we sneaked out because we didn't want to get in trouble for skipping practice. Even though, like I said, a lot of people did this and presumably nothing bad happened to them. So we were almost back to school when my dad came zooming by in his SUV. He looked angry. Apparently he had been afraid that somebody was sneaking into the house. That was his justification for what he did next. Fear. Even though he wasn't in danger anymore, he treated me like an animal. Not capable of or otherwise worthy enough of being explained things. He didn't understand how badly I wanted friends. After being kicked of the cross country team because my dad called the coach and told him that we were skipping practice (I had been slacking off before too; after my eye ulcer which kept me from running for a whole week I really just wanted to quit but was afraid because weren't allowed to quit things in my family. It was one of our stupid rules. Other things included keeping elbows off the table, don't accidentally roll your eyes, and a million other completely idiotic triggers that angered my stepdad.) I went home. I don't remember if I drove or walked. When I went home my stepdad was waiting for me in the basement. He didn't give me a chance to say anything. He just pinned me up against a concrete wall and stared pushing me over and over again. It didn't injure me besides a sore head but that's not the point. That's not how you're supposed to treat people. I don't know if I'm ever going to be lucky enough to have a family that I love or a son or daughter. I just know that I would never treat anyone that way, especially not my kids. What in the hell has to be going through somebodies mind to act that way. I was crying. Why would he do that to me instead of trying to talk to me and explain how he felt to me. I was fucked up for a long time. I would cry walking home from school because I couldn't handle how I felt. Eventually a nice girl at school gave me a ride home. She flirted with me. I didn't realize it at the time. Her name was Maria. She was pretty cool. She asked me how I was doing and I broke down crying a few seconds later. I told her what happened. She was so nice to me. I was able to tell her things I never had the courage to tell people. Like how I didn't have friends and was lonely. I wish I wasn't so messed up. I've met so many amazing people who have been nice to me. And I mess things up because I'm so terrified of being alone and I lose control and lash out the way that people like my stepdad lashed out against me. I lost my dad at an early age. I'm pretty sure lots of bad things happened. I don't want to be a bad person. I know that's not an excuse. I know that bad things happening to me is not an excuse to do bad things. I just wish that people had enough compassion to help me when I'm struggling. I don't mind forgiving people who do terrible things to me. Every time I'm abandoned or misunderstood, it reinforces the difficulty of meeting people. I don't have anyone. I'm all alone. I've been alone before. I've been homeless. I've had to sleep in dirty shed houses with nasty old men who ended up threatening to beat me up because those are the only types of friends you can make when you're a young kid doing badly who needs help. I just don't want to be alone anymore. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to everyone who feels like I treated them badly. Please forgive me.