Fuck sake. I lost the father of my 2 girls. To put this into perspective a bit.. I had 2 kids with him when we were younger, after a drugs scene I stopped and told him we had to stop. In hindsight I know he wasn't ready but he didn't say that. He just went off and did his own thing. Silence is the killer. I wish he had told me the truth about what was going on with him. He went off and got married. I met someone else and had a son but the relationship was toxic after a while. No communication at all. I tried but was shouted down. 5 years wasted.
Cue my ex coming back after all these years, that guy I loved. My god I was so happy. He asked me if we could get back together and I told him I would take time to think about it. I knew I would but I wanted to make sure. We are together for 2 years, happy and I know this it for life. Bear in mind he had his own place and only stayed with me a few times, we were taking it easy. I tried to persuade him a few times to stay over, not because sex, just to have that intimacy. Then I wake up one morning, to get him up because he wanted to take the girls to school, he was sweating a bit and said he was tired. He kinda got up and laid down again. Truth is I was a bit mad with him. He wanted to get up and take the girls to school that day, I got them ready and took them. I was mad because I felt like he had I dunno, shunned time with them but I understood that he was unwell. I got the girls to school and walking home I was calm. A walk is good for calming things. I got home and remembered that we had a few hours before our plans (to go into town) so I went upstairs and got into bed, cuddled up behind him and fell asleep. I slept beside for about 4 hours and he had been dead for most of that time.
I lied to his mother about that day. I told her that I was downstairs doing regular stuff. Why? I should not have been asleep. I was there, I was responsible. I had no clue. If I had known my god. Many times when he said he felt unwell I went to the hospital with him.
Maybe it would have been easier if he had passed somewhere else. Waking up and phoning the ambulance, me trying to do cpr on someone who was dead for a few hours. Hurdles.
The ripple effect of this has almost ruined me. I keep trying to put it away, move on. 9 years of trying to find peace with myself. To stop feeling guilty for the times I maybe shouted at my kids when I shouldn't have. To enjoy life now and not feel guilty. I know I wasn't to blame. He died in 2006. I was diagnosed in 2005.
Sorry I just need to get that off my chest.