Part 2
Skip forward several years. I had split with my daughters mother for a while now and had dated several other girls. I had developed a pattern of meeting a girl, having a whirlwind romance, my daughter's mother would come rolling into town like a wrecking ball and tear me apart. Of course I would let her, it takes two to fuck up on this level. It wasn't fair to the girls I would date and I'll always feel bad for the way they were treated.
One particularly bad weekend went like this: I was playing in a bar band with a bunch of friends from college. My ex called me and said she was coming into town. She said she wanted to meet up and have some drinks. She even hinted she would like us to get a hotel room just she and I. I was kind of seeing a girl, but it wasn't serious and was more like FWB. As much as she had hurt me there was always part of me that wanted her back, always part of me that wanted to have a traditional family unit like my parents had given me. I was so young and stupid.
I played the show with the guys and my ex never called. I thought she had just stayed in her home state or something. I partied with my buds and went home with a buzz. I went to my parents house and fell asleep in the bottom bunk in the guest room. About 6:30am my ex drunkenly walks in, gets naked and gets in bed with me. She starts doing the thing with her hips where shes grinding into me to get things going. I reach down to touch her and shes all wet and slippery...too wet and slippery. I stopped and asked her what was going on. She stopped and went from horny mode to sobbing and crying. I didnt know what was going on and pretty much demanded to know what was going on, until she told me.
She had came into town to see me but another friend had called and asked her to go to a house party at some guy named Seth's house. She she said got really drunk (as usual) and one thing led to another and she was having unprotected sex with Seth. I said "so you had sex with Seth? wtf?" and she cried more and said "well, there were other guys to. I don't remember how many. I was drunk." I was horrified. I was no angel, but I would never have unprotected sex with multiple people in a few hours time, holy shit. I asked her to get out, and she cried and cried and finally left.
That was the last time she hurt me directly. There was one further incident where she hurt me, but we weren't dating and would never again. But she hurt herself in such a horrific way it still haunted me anyway.
About 6 years ago now I am at work in my state's capital city. At this time I had been dating a girl for about 3 years and was pretty happy. Out of the blue my daughters mother calls me balling her eyes out. She the then proceeded to tell me the most fucked up story I had ever heard:
She and her mother took a road trip together to her sister's home two states away. Her sister had gotten married and wanted to spend time with them. The way my ex described it, she and her mother and sister got into a huge fight. For some reason that I simply can't fathom her mother and sister took and overnight shopping trip the next day that she was supposed to go with, but because of the fight refused to go and wound up staying with her sister's new husband at her sisters house.
This is the part that some might call me 'racist' because they feel color has nothing to do with it, but it was such an odd pairing that I feel it's worth mentioning. My ex is about 5'9" 135 lb white girl with bright blue eyes and Czech features. Her sister's husband (now ex) was 6'3" 245lb black man from South Chicago. She said that it began with him comforting her after the fight, but soon they were drinking. After they got through about half a bottle of something he talked her into going with him to get some cocaine. She said they stayed up partying all night. She said she thinks she was raped by him because she woke up naked and felt strongly that she had had sex. It was a little weird in that this phone conversation began with her crying and balling, but by the time she got to telling me about the sex she was no longer crying at all and was just talking as if a casual conversation. The whole thing was extremely odd and unsettling.
I'm the kind of guy that even after everything that happened between us, that if the mother of my daughter had actually been raped I would be there for her. But she did not persue that line of thought at all. When I tried asking questions about how it might be rape, she downplayed it and almost kind of laughed it off like "you know, we were drunk...rape happens sometimes". It was sick and twisted and I strongly got the impression that it wasn't rape at all. I got the feeling that she couldn't bring herself to outright say "i got drunk and fucked my sister's new black husband".. so she said he did it without her consent instead. She never went after him in any way and has never told her mother or sister about it.
I got off the phone with her after that conversation and told myself that I would never again concern myself with her and this would be that last time she and I would talk and confide in eachother this way. Her sister divorced the guy a few years later after he could no longer hide his drug addictions from her, but not before stealing all of her money and pawning most of her possessions for drugs.
This relationship fucking wrecked me man. I am 40 years old and have such profound trust issues that I don't know what Im going to do. I broke up with my last girlfriend in September 2014 and honestly I don't know if I'll ever be in a relationship again. I have gone back and forth into deep and dark drug addictions.
And then things got really bad. In 2007 we found a lump on my last girlfriends neck that turned out to by Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Later in September 2009 I found out that I have NHL as well, Follicular Lymphoma. After the doctors found the FL in my neck, full body scans revealed I also had Renal Cell Carcinoma on my left kidney. They removed it with the da Vinci robot and I made a full recovery from that. But the Lymphoma is incurable and is forever.
The worst part about all that is that one of those girls gave me HPV which is known to be a possible catalyst for cervical cancer. I have to live wondering if I gave my last girlfriend HPV and that I may then be directly responsible for her and myself having Cancer. I don't think there is a way to know for sure, but what are the odds of two lovers both getting Lymphoma within 3 years of each other otherwise?
I've been back and forth on and off drugs for years. I have tried to blot out the pain with literally anything I could get my hands on. I've recently quit smoking weed, but I'm stuck on Suboxone until I can get this under control. Everytime I try to quit a drug Im addicted to I fall into a deep dark place where all of these hurtful memories come flooding back. I think about that have hurt me and the ones I've hurt and it just gets darker and deeper with time.
It's hard to explain this to my parents and people that love me. How does one tell their family about these levels of sickness and depravity? My parents have had an amazing and nearly flawless love since they met. They met at a party when my mom was 16 and my dad was 20 and he walked up to her at a party and said "someday i'm going to marry you" and 8 months later they were married. A few months after that my first sister was born, and then my 2nd. My parents then waited and saved money for 10 more years before they had me. I was a carefully planned birth. They bought a new house and new car before I was born in 1975. I was raised all these years believing that this is how love works. You meet someone, you fall in love, and you open yourself up and do whatever it takes for love from there. I was never taught to keep my guard up. I was never taught that there are such people known as sociopaths out there that can hurt us.
To make things worse, my daughter from that relationship is now 19 and has been acting out a lot like her mother since she was 15. She is now smoking pot and having troubles staying in relationships with men. I call her and she doesn't answer. I text her and never get anything back. She lives 6 hours away from me and in some ways seeing her turn out like her mother is possibly my worst nightmare come true. I don't know the details of trouble she gets into, but im scared to death to find out. Before she turned 18 I could make her come stay with me and try to work on things, but since the day she became an adult she stopped communicating with me altogether. I'm always here for her, I'll take her call or I would drive down to her in a seconds notice if she ever wanted me to. But she has basically written me off. Of all the sad things I've told you by far this is the worst and most empty part.
I wish I could tell you that everything is going to be ok, but sometimes it isn't. What I can tell you is that it can get much worse. Break up with this girl now, put her in your rearview mirror and never look back. That is the best thing you can do. There is no child locking you two together the way my ex and I were. You can move on and find someone that is good, and kind, and cares about you as a person. Don't focus on finding the hottest girl like a lot of guys do on the rebound. Find someone who is kind and generous with their time, and I hate to say it but you'll need to find new friends to.. with friends like ours, who needs enemies? right?
feel free to PM me anytime and take care.