Part 1
Wow Ijustwanttodie123, hugs... lots of internet hugs from me to you. You and I have endured a similar experience and I consider you a fellow victim and I'm here with good news and bad news.
The bad news is that a piece of this will haunt you forever. You've spent years with someone that you believed was your confidant in life and she has betrayed you in the worst and most hurtful ways that another human being can. Some people will tell you being captured by ISIS is the worst thing that can happen to you. I say I'd have gladly taken a bullet to the back of my head over the lifetime of pain and suffering of betrayal. When a person dies the pain is over, bam. I have lived with pain, suffering, sexual disfunction, and general mental dissolution for 20 years since. It has affected every facet of my life and made it nearly unbearable.
The good news is that life isn't over and tomorrow is a new day. It's absolutely possible that after you've spent some time healing and have gotten your life straight that you can still have an amazing one. That's not what happened in my personal case, but it's still possible for you.
In my case I was a naive 20 year old former skater kid that was in the US Navy at the time. She was a 16 year old high school girl with long blonde hair that loved punk rock. I thought it was a perfect match.
What I didn't know until later was that she had problems and was a cutter. One night she finally broke down and told me that she had been sexually abused by a babysitter from the ages of about 8 to 13. She would sometimes even tell me strange things like despite the fact that her abuser was a monster and bad man that she would always be attracted to him and love him...so clearly this was one FUCKED UP girl. I was young and dumb and thought I could fix her and give her a life of happiness. God I was stupid.
I should have ran, instead she got pregnant and I purposefully got kicked out of the Navy by smoking pot. My thought process was that I would test positive and they would kick me out and send me home a few weeks later to be with her. That's not what happened. Instead I spent almost a year on "restriction" and 17 days in the brig before being let out.
When I finally got out I was a 21 year old kid and she was 17 and pregnant (the timing wasn't exact, it's hard to describe). The two of us got a two bedroom apartment and her family surprised us by furnishing the apartment with everything including an awesome little nursery room. Our love grew and we settled into a comfortable life with jobs and a baby on the way. This was one of the happiest times of my life. Things were good.
Things were going pretty well. Our daughter was born and we were generally happy. I took a job at a pharmacy (i had been a hospital corpsman in the Navy before getting kicked out) and filled medication orders for elderly nursing homes.
Time moved on and things were good but I was tired and was having trouble keeping up at work. One day my mom was buzzing around the house and cleaning the house and I asked her "why do you have so much energy?" and she told me her doctor had given her a drug for her arthritis called Ultram or Tramadol. She took them and felt great. I decided to give it a try and low and behold it worked.
Skip a few months ahead, my daughter is growing up fast and I'm taking about 4 Ultram twice a day. When my fiance and I made love I was a stallion and at work I was kicking ass. I thought of the pills as vitamins. It wasn't until I tried not taking the pills and couldn't sleep for days that I realized I was addicted.
Soon the ultram wasn't working and I was taking vicodin home in huge numbers. I was taking six vikes three times a day now and beginning to notice weird side effects. I started smoking pot and one day my fiance caught me. Soon she was smoking pot with me. She had no interest in pills but started drinking quite a bit. I found out almost right away that when she drank she became one of those girls that all gates just come flying off. She would do or say whatever was on her mind. She would hit on guys right in front of me and tell people if I didn't perform sexually to her standards that night before. One night at a friends party she offered to blow every guy in the room before I finally got her into the car and drove her home. When she drank she lost control and became a complete sociopath.
My problems were multiplying and I could see that despite having my child that she had little to no regard for me personally. I tried one last desperate attempt to quit drugs and make it work between her and I so I brought her and my daughter to Florida for a two week vacation.
While we were there I was totally cut off from opiates and for the first time in my life my penis completely stopped working. Her frustration with me reached its boiling point and combined with copious amounts of Budweiser provided by my brother-in-law she started verbally venting to anyone in ear shot. We were playing volleyball with my brother-in-law (being in the hot Florida sun while going through vicodin withdrawal really fucking sucks man, let me tell you) and she was insulting me and telling anyone who would listen how she wants to fuck and how my limp dick wasn't doing it for her and that she just wants someone, anyone to fuck her brains out. I was embarrassed and insulted and basically defenseless from opiate withdrawal.
My brother-n-law says "we need more beer" and she runs and jumps into his truck and takes off. They are gone for about an hour. Years later she would tell my niece that they fucked in his truck. I've confronted him about it since and he denies it completely, but my instinct tells me he's lying.
We got back after the trip and I told her I wanted to separate for a while. She agreed. What I didn't know is that to her "separate" meant try to have sex with as many of my childhood friends as possible.
About a week later I drove to my friend Tommy's house to hang out. I went inside and he and I started playing videogames. About 10 minutes in we hear our friend Craig in his room fucking a girl, I didn't think a lot about it at the time. Suddenly she comes walking out of his bedroom in nothing but a t-shirt and sits down next to me on the couch. She says "Craig and I are trying to fuck in the other room. We can hear you out here and Craig says he can't cum again unless you leave. Could you please leave so we can finish?" She gets up to go back to the bedroom...and where she was sitting on the couch with no panties she left a big gob of Craig's semen in a spot on the couch sitting next to me. I fucking ran out of there like a bitch.
About two weeks after that her dad was fired from a great job and her family decided to pick up and move back to the state they originally came from before they moved to my home city. She begged me to take her back and try again for the sake of our daughter...and me being the stupid beta that I am took her back. I kept thinking that I could pull it together for our daughter. I couldn't have been more wrong.
After about three weeks in our new home she started driving to see her old middle school friends that I didn't know in a city about an hour away. I wanted to trust her, but honestly just couldn't. I suspected she was seeing someone in Waterloo but she would deny it. The next weekend I insisted on going with her to meet her friends. This was a huge mistake. They were a bunch of dirty, grubby kids that lived in an apartment and drank and did drugs constantly. I was there a short time before the snide comments and challenges began. There was one muscle guy I'll call Chad Thundercock that seemed to really hate me. He was trying to get me to mouth off so he could start a fight with me. I wasn't taking his shit and did jaw back and forth with him, but it never came to blows. On the way home that night she admitted Chad Thundercock was in fact her side cock and she didn't want to be exclusive her and I. She wanted to keep me around in case it didn't work with Chad T, but wanted me to know she was basically his.
The next few days I was determined to meet someone new. This was around the year 2000 and AOL was the dominant online entity and I met a girl online. She and I met at a coffee shop and talked. She was a little strange, but kind of cute. We left the coffee shop and went for a drive into the back roads of Iowa's cornfields. We had sex in the back of my Jeep and when I brought her home I felt like $1 million bucks.
The next day my now ex was asking where I had been the night before and who I was with. I told her it was none of her business and to leave me alone. I left to go meet the other girl and didn't think much about it. I was sitting in my jeep in the Walmart parking lot with this girl when my ex came flying up next to us in her car, how she found us I have no idea. She was balling her eyes out. I agreed to go home and talk to her.
When I got back there was screaming and fighting and crying...and then she basically tore my clothes off and had some of the best sex of my life. I was freaked out and confused. I was only a few months out of opiate addiction and everything was generally a fuckin mess. It got worse when I went to take a pee and it hurt like hell. Either my ex or this other girl had given me something and I had no way of knowing who. I told the other girl and she said she was embarrassed and all, but she had something else to tell me too.. she was pregnant. Not with my baby, she had been pregnant for about 6 weeks before we met. Things had gotten really fucked up now. It was made a little easier when the girls mother called me and told me she was going away to have the other guys baby and wouldn't be seeing me any more. I was obviously relieved, but left in a pretty vulnerable place myself. I went to the doctor and the itchy was fixed with a single pill.